Happy?

I’m trying so hard to see the lighter side of things; to compare with other people’s problem and be able to say, “my problems aren’t as bad as theirs, so I shouldn’t be so dramatic or depressed with things“. Sometimes, it’s easier to do that than telling myself how worthless I am at solving my own problems.

This idea or belief that I had instilled in myself made me realize that my problems aren’t as bad.

Today was one of those potential depressing days. It was about to be depressing but then people start coming up to me and tell me about their problems. I had three people coming up to me in the span of 3 hours. I felt as if that was the BIG GUY telling me that my problems aren’t as bad.

And I talked to both my friends about my problems and both of them have different ways of solving it. One said that I have no hope in getting a positive feedback from all of this because he kinda figure out that if he was in the guy’s shoes, then he wouldn’t wanna talk to me anymore. Heh. Thanks for the support.

And my other friend told me how I shouldn’t get too emotionally attached to this problem. That I should just laugh it out and stay true to my own opinion and not let him pollute my brain with stupid statements. I love how I can talk to her and she’d give me some easy way to look at things and let me realize that whatever I’m facing is not complicated.

The thing is, I feel pathetic. I can almost imagine what other people would say. “Oh, I have this friend. She talked to this guy online and is attached to him. She listens to whatever he says and she just takes whatever crap he’s giving her.  She doesn’t realize that he’s testing her and even if she does, she just has it. She doesn’t have the balls to fight for herself, or stand up for herself. And now that he doesn’t talk to her anymore, she becomes really depressed. I mean, seriously! The guy’s a jerk! Move on already!” And I am that friend.

I wish things would be easier. I wish I can MOVE ON. I wish I can do that. Thing is, I can, but whenever I’m all fired up, he’ll come to me again and I’ll be this marshmallow; I look hard physically, but once consumed, I’ll melt on your tongue, that sort of thing. That’s what makes me pathetic. At least, that’s what I feel. I have to be constantly being reminded of how strong I am and that I CAN go through this.

What is it with me? Why can’t I be the strong person that I am?

I find it ironic because people around me perceived me as this strong, carefree and free-spirited person. Guys are intimidated by me and my confidence and girls look up to me for it. And yet, here I am, defeated and weak. Why is that?

I sometimes wonder if I am in fact strong or was it just my brain telling me that I’m strong when I’m actually not. It’s amazing how one guy can make you feel this way. That’s why it makes me feel pathetic. Because when I meet girls like that or hear stories about how girls have guys controlling them, I see them as being pathetic. So, I guess, that’s where I fit in.

But then again, I do think of the fact how I have my friends around me telling me how amazing I am and how they enjoy having me around. That made me feel good. Here are my friends, dying to meet me and keep planning to go out with me and yet, I’m thinking of how this guy thinks of me. I keep telling myself that he doesn’t know me well enough to have him let me think that I’m a certain kind of way when I’m not.

The thought of my friends wanting to be with me and loving me for who I am makes me feel like I’m somebody again. It makes me feel good of myself for some reason. Makes me feel that I’m more worth keeping. So if he doesn’t feel that way and decided to test me on my sincerity of wanting him as a friend, then I mean, be it. Test me all you want because I know me and I know how I want him to be. The fact that I keep telling him the same thing over and over again and still, he is not happy with it just proves how much time I’ve wasted on him.

I’m done writing.